OUT OF LOVE AND GRATITUDE OR OUT OF OBLIGATION AND BAD ATTITUDES

2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (HCSB)

14 For Christ’s love compels us, since we have reached this conclusion: If One died for all, then all died. 15 And He died for all so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for the One who died for them and was raised.

Galatians 2:16 (EASY)

16 Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law.”

Often, I must pause at different times in my life and wonder what motivates me to perform different tasks. I wish that I could say that I always have the cross of Jesus before me, remembering all that he has done for me (and will continue to do for me). However, most times I find myself acting out of obligation, believing that if I just obey God’s law, then I will be rewarded.

I have been wrestling with this performing mindset since my return from Baltimore back in August. Along with this warped view, I have been experiencing a wide range of negative attitudes and feelings. I have been super critical of so many people and so many things. I have had an unusual desire to self-righteously declare, “I am right, and you are wrong”. I have felt obligated to serve my parents with a desire to get recognition and not being satisfied with their expressions of gratitude. I have struggled with severe lack of motivation along with about a week of being moderately depressed.

Granted there was a drastic change in my lifestyle as I was up in Baltimore for six full weeks getting treatment. The focus at that time was only on me making it to my appointments, and I had women who were constantly serving me for the complete six weeks. So, my attitude then was solely focused on getting my needs met. Upon my return home, I believe the responsibility had shifted, and I began to feel the need to serve my parents. Unfortunately, my motivation to serve them was not out of love and gratitude.

With my severe lack of motivation and then my episode of moderate depression, I believed that this was my time to fully embrace all that I felt and talk to God about everything. Though I decided last year to no longer avoid those “bad” emotions, it has taken a lot of effort to follow through on those decisions. Since this whole process was all so new to me, I consulted one of my best friends, who has been dealing with her depression pretty much daily and without the assistance of any antidepressants because of her body’s severe allergic reactions to those that she has tried. She had shared various scriptures and tips that have helped her over the years. We talked about how Jesus and David were always real with God about what they felt and how in the end, they always submitted to God and his will. So, then I began crying out to God to help me embrace these feelings and process these disturbing emotions and thoughts.

At first, this was scary because in the past, my severe bouts of depression had led me to memories of other times I had failed or felt unloved, a lot of self-pity, envy, hatred of others and myself and then thoughts about suicide, which always frightened me. I had often believed that allowing myself to feel any amount of depression would cause the severity of my depression to increase, spiraling even further downward. This was one of the reasons why many times, I had tried to avoid feeling “bad”. But this time, I had confidently believed that God is always there for me, helping me to completely process these emotions in my state of depression and that I no longer had any reason to fear.

Once I confessed my thoughts and emotions and laid them all out before God, I wanted to release them and give them over to him. I wanted to just surrender my whole heart over to God and totally submit to his perfect and complete will. As with most things, it is always easier said than done. This was particularly true since this was the first time that I had ever allowed myself to completely feel the overwhelmingly negative emotions that depression can often bring.

So, though I decided to face my thoughts and my emotions, I knew that I needed desperately to cling onto God’s promises. Though God guarantees that there will always be trouble in the world (John 16:33), he promises that he will always be with me (Matthew 28:18-20). God has also provided me with the Holy Spirit at my baptism (Acts 2:38-39). The Holy Spirit is my Advocate, and he will teach and guide me all about what Jesus would do. Jesus ensures that he will give me his peace so that I don’t have to be troubled or afraid anymore.

John 14:26-27 (NIV)

26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

God works all things out for my good because he has called me according to his purpose (Romans 8:28) and he has helped me to understand his message (1 Corinthians 2:12-13) and to respond to his message with repentance.

Acts 11:18 (HCSB)

18 When they heard this, they became silent. Then they glorified God, saying, “So God has granted repentance resulting in life even to the Gentiles!”

So, as I have been processing my thoughts and emotions, God has been slowly showing me what has been going on in my heart on a deeper level. I knew in my mind that I was serving out of obligation rather than gratitude and that this was not pleasing to God because God loves a cheerful giver who gives generously without reluctance or compulsion (2 Corinthians 9:6-7). I needed God though to help me process what all was going on in my heart, which was making it so difficult to just be grateful for all that God has given me.

I have learned over the past few years that I am emotionally immature. I have been trained most of my life to try to suppress my “bad” feelings, to not be a burden, to avoid causing any issues, dodging any conflict, to run away from any type of suffering and to feel worthless and guilty whenever I failed at something. With God’s help and the help of my trusted friends, I can go through God’s retraining process with new tools to steer me through my issues.

I understand that God has created me exactly the way that I am in my struggles with depression and with cancer. I can now honestly say that I am more grateful now for the trials that these conditions bring than I have ever been in the past. I see that God is helping me to understand that just as stated in John 9:3, these challenges in my life serve a purpose. I was born and trained these ways so that as I heal, these difficulties are providing opportunities for God to demonstrate his glory through me.

Please don’t get me wrong. I still want to avoid those uncomfortable feelings and as most humans do, I suffer from a god complex in that I desire to be in control all the time. I also crave recognition, and I seem to “live off” of praises from man so much so that at times, I don’t even hear when they are given. I always want so desperately to be heard that I find myself pushing my way around, trying to convince people that my way is the “right” way.

I also tend not to celebrate all of God’s glorious victories that I witness because with my depression, there is a tendency to have a feeling that the other shoe has not dropped so I am just waiting for the “bad” news. I can also identify so much with Eve in that I never seem satisfied with all that God has given me and that my heart seems to always crave more. And don’t get me started on my “savior” complex.

Though I am a perfectionist, who does not like the process but who desires to have already arrived at all things being perfect, God is graciously helping me to embrace more of the work. He has graciously been giving me “metanoia” – repentance – the heart and mind change, which only he can provide.

I look to the Holy Spirit to help me remember what Jesus has done for me each moment of the day. As I remember, the Spirit helps me to have a godly attitude as I serve, giving to others as I grasp more of how Jesus truly loves me. This way gives me so much more joy so that I can fully rejoice with much peace as I perform the different tasks that God has put before me.

So in a few hours, I will be fulfilling one of the wishes on my bucket list. I am going on a 7-day cruise to the Bahamas. Though it is an exciting adventure, because basically tourist pay money for others to serve them, this could be another temptation for me to forget the cross once again. So please pray for my heart and mind to be guarded (Proverbs 4:23) and focused on God’s love demonstrated by Jesus going to the cross. I do not want a repeat of what I experience upon my return from Baltimore. To God be the glory. Amen.