MY RETURN—NEW CHAPTER

Upon my return home, I have found that I have had to deal differently with my cancer and my current form of treatment.  Change for anyone I think is such a challenge.

With the previous months, it was non-stop going here and there for this test and that appointment.  I had to keep saying those “bullet” prayers so that I could make many quick decisions about where to go for my treatment, how to get there, and what treatment would be best for me, etc.  (You know those prayers when you have no idea what else to say other than “Help me Jesus” or “Please Father!”)  I had very little time to wrap my mind and heart around the fact that my cancer is stage 4.  I desperately needed God, my spiritual family, my physical family, and friends to help me in dealing with all of this.  God has never ever let me down and he had provided all that I needed as he continuously worked out all those miracles that was happening right before my eyes.

In Baltimore, I was getting radiation treatment once a day every day.  It only took about 5 minutes if that, but it had an overwhelming effect on my body.  It had exhausted me so much that every day it was a chore to get ready to make it to the next appointment.  I was consumed basically with just making it to the next day.  There was not a lot of time to process things because things had to happen quickly since the tumor in my left lung was growing fast.  As Dr. Hales later had put it, the radiation treatment helped to eliminate the immediate life-threatening situation that this large tumor had created.

Because of the radiation treatment was every day, I had to stay in Baltimore at the Hope Lodge.  So of course, living arrangements there are very different than here.  There I shared a room with Erica, so I had to get up and get dressed to eat my meals.  I basically had to start my day every day where I was to interact with others all the time.  Though I had my alone time with God each day, I had to make plans as to where and when that would happen since majority of the spaces were shared.

At home, it is easy just to be up in my room all by myself and only interacting with my parents on my terms.  I can eat snacks and sometimes meals up in my room so that I could choose to not engage with them at all.  Several times I have had the whole house to myself.  Because I have my own bedroom and I am alone many times those planned “alone” times with God actually had become more of a challenge.  At home, there are many more distractions since life is not on hold as it was when I was up in Baltimore.

My cancer treatment is different now too.  Because the radiation treatment has a lasting effect in that it continually is shrinking the tumor even up to 8 weeks after the last day of treatment, I am no longer in need of radiation treatment for that tumor.  My every day appointments have now stopped, and now I take my targeted medication—Tagrisso--every day.  So, the hustle and bustle of tests and appointments have slowed down substantially.

Do you see what I am getting at?

Ecclesiastes 10:18 (NIV)

18 Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks.

Granted the first day I was back, I had to rush my dad to the Emergency Room because of some issues he had with his heart, but the monotony of life has been now settling in.

I am no longer rushing here and there.  I am now waiting, waiting to see what side-effects the Tagrisso may have on my body to see how well I can function in doing everyday tasks.  Keep in mind that this is currently the only form of treatment for my cancer, and that I will have to take this for the rest of my life.  Actually, I will be taking it at least until the cancer outsmarts the drug, and the medication becomes ineffective.

I relate much more to Martha rather than Mary.  In Luke 10:38-42, Martha is busy getting all the preparations ready for entertaining Jesus in her home and she complained to Jesus about Mary, who was sitting at Jesus’ feet listening to what he was saying.  Martha’s focus was on doing the tasks which just lead her to being worried and distracted.  Even as I read the story, I find myself still wondering, “Well how else will dinner get ready?”

I am a doer; I like to be able to physically move and do things.  I like structure and schedule.  I tend to thrive on what I deem progress, and it is even better when the purpose of what needs to be done is what I consider to be worthy.  Sometimes because it is something that I think needs to be done and no one else is doing it, if I am capable, I will jump right in and do it—I’ll just do it myself.

When I am not able to “do”, there lies the problem.  When I cannot “do” and there is no structure and no schedule, then Proverbs 26:14 (NIV) As a door turns on its hinges, so a sluggard turns on his bed.  Of course, with me, it was binge-watching TV and not sleep since I struggle with insomnia.

But thanks be to God for my mom.  She was saying to my dad in the next room that she did not understand why I was doing nothing—not going to work and not helping them.  Basically, she was calling me lazy, which was what the truth was.

Many times, the truth hurts, but it is always needed.  Proverbs 27:6a (AMP) Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern].

I have now had to make a point of putting more structure in my day with “doing” things like getting dressed and ready for the day, set goals of working on small projects, and doing whatever I can to help my mom and dad out with their everyday tasks.  Sometimes, I find that I do too much, and I suffer the small consequences of little more pain in the chest, but I make do with what I can.

Don’t get me wrong.  Every day it still is a challenge, but I just need to take each moment of the day and decide to give it over to God.  God is calling me right now to wait.  Psalm 37:7a (NIV) Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.

COMMENTS WHEN BLOG WAS FIRST POSTED ON CARING BRIDGE SITE:

Aleyah Pankey: I continue to pray for you and your family Kim. Thanks for sharing your journey. Our God is a miracle worker.💕

Jeri Franz: Thank you for sharing, Keem! I am here for you and M & D.