GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

Here is the latest information on my health.

According to Dr. Hales, my radiation oncologist from Johns Hopkins, I do not have radiation pneumonitis.  Whew! What a relief!  Thank you, Father God!  As per his recommendation, I discontinued the prednisone.

Also, during our video visit, Dr. Hales noted that the top part of my left lung, which had collapsed in January, was now re-inflated.  Yay!  He recommended using an incentive spirometer to help with exercising my lungs.  Thus far, I have been exercising my lungs like this on a regular basis.  Though I am not up to 100% of my energy level and I still have some SOB episodes with exertion, it is a substantial improvement since my symptoms all began in November 2022.  Again, thank you Father God!

At the last visit with my cardiologist, he reassured me again that the chest pains that I had experienced in April were not because of any issues with my heart.  In fact, the ECHO done in the hospital showed the EF% had gone back up to 45% as it was in August 2022.  Yay!  YOU GO GOD!  Maybe because the tumor in the left lung is now smaller, my heart can function better?

The greatest news thus far was when I met with Dr. DeRidder on May 26th.  I had a CT scan done on May 23rd and she showed those scans side by side with the scans done in the ER in April.  In the April scan, the area thought to be radiation pneumonitis was very cloudy and had quite a lot of spots, but the most recent scan was a lot less cloudy looking and with fewer spots.  Thank you, God, for improvement in the scans.

I still however have issues with chest pain on the left side.  It comes and goes, but some days it stays so it limits me in how much I can physically do.  At times, even driving becomes a painful task.

Often, I equate the challenges to my emotional and spiritual growth to levels of a video game.  In a video game, you have different levels that you go through, and you learn how to do the earlier levels faster and more efficiently, but each time the game ends, you must start all over with the earlier levels.  With each level, there is a new way of accomplishing the goal to get to the next level.  You begin to develop different types of skills, but to get to that level, you continually need to reaffirm the skills required for all the levels prior. 

For instance, the last few weeks in March, I had finally surrender to whatever God’s plan was for me to work starting in April.  I had some concerns because at that time, I still felt tired a lot.  Despite my lack of energy, I worked 20 hours for 3 weeks in a row.  I felt good and was excited, thinking that I was on the “road to recovery”. Then my chest pain came back, and I ended up in the hospital on April 27th.  Wow it felt like I was back down to level 1 of the video game.

Once again, I began wrestling with God because I was pulled out of work for the first two weeks in May.  Despite the occasional chest pains, I noted more energy and less SOB during those 2 weeks, so I felt ready to work 2 days a week for 8 hours a day upon my return.

Though my boss has been very accommodating, she needs someone to work on a full-time basis.  So because of this set back, I have lost my position at Peninsula Cancer Institute (PCI), and I have been put into Riverside’s Labor Pool.  With Labor Pool, I still can work at PCI and do the same tasks that I have been doing, but I am no longer a full-time Riverside staff member, so my work hours are reduced and more flexible.  WOW.  Thank you, God, for this option.

I had come to realize that I am not “bouncing” back in the time frame that I desire.  My current earning potential was slowly disappearing.  I am so grateful that I live in the United States and that I have been paying taxes—Social Security tax in particular—over the years.  It was time for me to find out about filing for Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI).   

It is always mysterious in how God works things out.  My next-door neighbor had told me that he had a local law firm, known as Gillette Law Group, that worked on his disability case at the end of last year and now he was getting his SSDI payments.  So, he provided me with their information. 

The same person, who had assisted my neighbor, answered all my questions, and guided me through the process.  She advised me that since I have a terminal disease which is affecting my earning potential, I should be approved for SSDI; however, if my application is denied then I should call again.

As I began collecting the information that I needed to complete the application for SSDI on-line, the challenge began.  My thoughts were like this:

“I have a terminal disease.  I cannot work like I used to.  How can I be used by God to bring people to him if I cannot do things?  How can I study the bible with others?  How can I fulfill my purpose in life as your vessel?  How can I glorify God now?  I function so much better when I have a schedule and structure.  Others will think (I think this too) that I am not worthy because I cannot perform.  Father, I know that is a lie from satan because I am always worthy in your eyes and my worth is never based on what I do.”

With all these overwhelming thoughts, it was hard to pray and give everything over to God.  I reached out to one of my best friends, and we talked, and we prayed.  As she was sharing scriptures to help, she admitted that our talk was changing her mindset as well since she was struggling with similar thoughts.  God works in mysterious ways!  We cried out to God for our emotional and spiritual healing that evening, and he provided it, and he continually heals as we both continue to decide to be open and surrender it all to God.

I have lost my job, and it is okay for me to grieve because I have experienced a loss both of my job and my ability to perform.  There is a great temptation to just feel sorry for myself and crawl into a corner to wait to die or even just constantly complain of how bad things are.  However, God is the one who defines me, and I am never defined by what I can do nor by what others think of me.  I look to Jesus as my example and not to the world.

Psalm 51 is known as the Psalm that David had written when Nathan, the prophet, pointed out to David his adultery with Bathsheba.  David knew that God is pleased with a broken and humble heart and not the sacrifices for the forgiveness of his sin.  God does not put value on us based on what we do or don’t do.  God just wants us to be like David and come to him because only God can give us that pure, broken, and humble heart and a steadfast, willing spirit.  He is the only one who can restore that joy of his salvation in us:

Psalm 51:10, 12, 16-17 (HCSB)

10 God, create a clean heart for me

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

12 Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,

and give me a willing spirit

16 You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it;You are not pleased with a burnt offering.

17 The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart. 

With the last post, I got an opportunity to be encouraged by an old friend, Terri Nida.  Terri regularly blogs on her website known as a Diary of a Quadriplegic.  One of her blogs, she shared a couple of thoughts that really impacted me this week as I continue to make the decision to give all over to God and to beg him to glorify himself through my life:

Isaiah 48:10 (NIV) 

10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver;

    I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

“Silver is refined and made pure by burning off all the impurities in a red-hot furnace. When this is done, the silver is 99.9% pure. There are a lot of impurities in my heart when I am not allowing God to regularly refine me. Thankfully, affliction makes me think more deeply about God, keeps me relatable, burns away the selfishness, and helps me to be everything God wants me to be.”

“It is not always so easy to see the upside when we are suffering. What I have found to be most useful is to speak to a counselor, a confidant, or a close friend with whom we can talk to openly, having no fear of being judged. Prayer is vital. We must take the time to tell God how we feel and what we need from Him. If you are unsure what to pray, tell him. Ask him to increase your faith.  I pray for all of us in our walk with Christ.”

https://diaryofaquadriplegic.com/2023/05/19/higher-thoughts/

Thank you so much Terri!

Also on May 30th, our local church had a guest speaker named Shane Gibson, who is known as Rizon, a gospel music minister from Trinidad and Tobago.  Along with his great lesson that evening, many of his songs have given me more confidence in seeing God working in so many of our hearts.  With all that I have been going through these past few weeks, one of his songs called Making Decisions has made a tremendous impact on my heart and mind.

God has put so many great examples of God-fearing disciples in my life that I trust that God who began a good work in all of us will carry it onto completion:

Philippians 1:3-6 (NIRV)

3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy. 5 I am happy because you have joined me in spreading the good news. You have done so from the first day until now. 6 God began a good work in you. And I am sure that he will carry it on until it is completed. That will be on the day Christ Jesus returns. 

God works in those mysterious ways.  To God be the glory!  Amen.

COMMENTS WHEN BLOG WAS FIRST POSTED ON CARING BRIDGE SITE:

Andreas Dangin : Hi love. It’s that weird Asian guy from the Hope Lodge, Andre. I love and miss you very much. Virtual hug and prayers coming your way.

Lynn Overturf : This is beautiful Kim because it is so real. Thank you for helping us learn how to better hang on to God’s promises when we feel afraid or defeated. Fear can absolutely take over and control my thoughts when there is “bad” news. You are helping me more than you know!!! Sending NC hugs!!

Terri Nida : Thank you for sharing your very personal journey with all of us. God is using you in a remarkable way. Your writing is beautiful! Thank you for mentioning my blog in your post. Love you, Kim!

Desiree Madden : Thanks for sharing and keeping us up to date with your journey Kim~ and thanks be to God!

Joy Haas : I wish we could meet face-to-face and pray and chat like we used to. I am grateful for your entry today, inspired as always by your real-time wrestling with our Father. Psalm 51 has been my scripture of the week. I feel united with you as we both ask God to continue to refine us, growing confident in the work God has completed through Jesus. Love and hugs!!!