GOD’S VICTORY DEMONSTRATED IN MY RETURN TO WORK

Thank you all so much for your prayers about my return to work.  God has been continuing to demonstrate his power and grace in our lives as he has been answering “yes” to so many of our prayers.

John 9:3 (ICB)

3 Jesus answered, “It is not this man’s sin or his parents’ sin that made him blind. This man was born blind so that God’s power could be shown in him. 

When I reflect on my first two weeks of work, I am filled with so much joy and gratitude.  It is not so much because God had helped me do my job as I had planned nor that the goal of working 4 days a week for 5 hours each day has been accomplished.  It is more because I now can see God’s victory in my surrender.  This has only been accomplished because God has been answering our prayers.

I must admit that for the two weeks prior to my first work week, I had a really rotten attitude.  I did a whole lot of grumbling and complaining to God about my cancer.  Basically, I groan about every pain, discomfort, and any type of health issue that I believed I had.  One day, I even was crying to God telling him that I was so tired of being tired.  Wow!  What a state that I was in.  I even complained to him about my complaining. 

Philippians 2:14 (ERV)

14 Do everything without complaining or arguing 

“Lord, how can I do what you say in your word for me to do when my body is doing this?  How can I honor and praise you when I am so tired and in so much discomfort?  How am I ever going to be “well” enough to be able to function at work?  I cannot even walk up and down the steps without being so short of breath and even just doing a little walking around makes me so tired.  I feel like all I can do is be a bump on a log.  I know that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and I need to rest when my body says to rest, but I am tired of being tired!  Oh man, I am just so ungrateful.  Why can’t I stop complaining?  This is just not fair.  I cannot do anything right.”  These were the types of thoughts that were constantly ringing in my head, worrying about my ability to do, and then dumping on myself for not following scripture.

Praise God that I did not stay in that mindset.  A couple of days before my first work week, the Holy Spirit helped me to see God’s plan in all that was going on.  Thanks to our many prayers, I could totally surrender all aspects of my life over to Jesus.  God assured me that he would provide for me as he always had throughout my life even if I could not work.  He gave me the confidence that I needed to trust once again in him so that I could surrender all that I am to him.  He helped me to remember the different times in my life that he gave me exactly what I needed at the proper time that I needed it.  He helped me to remember how he put my sweet Erica back in my life and that despite my feeling inadequate in my walk with him, on March 19th, less than a month ago, Erica repented and was baptized in the name of the Father, the son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit!  She was forgiven of her sin, given the gift of the Holy Spirit and has now been added to God’s Kingdom (Acts 2:38-39). Amen!  Thank you, God for privilege of witnessing her continually making the decision that Jesus is her Lord and Savior.  The Holy Spirit reminded me that God will never leave me nor forsake me and that he always loves me.

It has been fantastic, getting to better understand God’s plan for me.  My joy is not a matter of me feeling better nor of me accomplishing anything.  The Holy Spirit has helped me to see past what has been physically happening and to understand God’s great love for me—for all of us.

Previously I had applied John 9:3 to my depression, to my different chronic ailments and even to my cancer.  I understood that I have a genetic propensity to suffer from depression and to develop lung cancer and that as I go through different hardships in my life, it is a potential of demonstrating God’s power.  However, I had always looked at the physical aspects of that in thinking that God would help me to overcome these things physically and with my depression, he has in many instances.  Though I pray and others pray that I would be physically healed of my cancer, I now see this passage in such a different way.

A man born blind does not have the ability to understand what he is seeing even when he is physically healed.  Jesus also provided the man with the ability to comprehend what he was seeing, like to know that a tree is a tree and a person is a person.  As the story goes on, the man’s perception of Jesus and of the miracle he performed grows as the blind man is tested before the religious leaders.  With this growth in his belief, the man was thrown out of the synagogue, and Jesus went back to him to complete his understanding and increase his faith.  Jesus never leaves any of us “hanging”.

God is not only about meeting our physical needs though he does meet them all.  He is much more concerned for our spiritual needs, particularly in cultivating our relationship with him.  I am beginning to understand more that God works through everything that any of us goes through, whether seen as “good” or “bad”.  His purpose in allowing the hardships and difficulties in life is solely meant for each of us to draw much closer to him.

James 1:2-3 (EASY)

2 My Christian friends, remember to be happy, even when many kinds of trouble happen to you. Troubles can help you. 3 God wants to see if you really trust him. Your faith in God will become stronger as a result of these troubles.

As Guy Hammond stated in his book “How to Defeat Temptation in Under 60 Seconds and How to Recover Quickly When You Don’t Tempt-Away”, any change that happens in our lives is an opportunity to either grow closer to God or pull away from him.  God never tempts us as it says in verses 13-14 of James 1, but he allows Satan to do his part to see as the scripture says, “if you really trust him.”

God says that he will never leave me; never forsake me”. (Deuteronomy 31:6).  Do I believe that promise and trust that God will always do as he says?

Jesus says that he gives me his peace which is not like the world’s peace (John 14:27) but which is far beyond any human understanding, guarding my mind and heart in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7).  What about this promise?  I have felt that peace and I know what he is talking about here, but I know that this is only given when I surrender it all to God, totally trusting in all his promises.

Jesus says that at my baptism, he has given me his gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38), who will guide me into ALL the truth (John 16:13).  Do I believe that I am filled with the Spirit of Truth who will direct me to be holy, that I can choose to grow closer to God rather than pull away from him?

I tend to run away from hardships and suffering and now I would like to embrace them.  Embrace my times when I cannot do what I want to do because my body is too tired.

I will still beg God and ask for those prayers for the physical deliverance of my cancer. 

Father, just as you healed the man born blind in John 9, I beg you to heal me as well.

However, Lord Jesus, I want to embrace the different tests that I will go through as this man went through so that I can draw closer to you and be desperate for your help.  The tests can increase my faith only with you Holy Spirit guiding and directing me to choose to do things God’s way.  Open my eyes to see God’s unconditional love for me despite the times that I make wrong decisions and behave rebelliously.  I beg that I trust totally in you, Father God, being confident that you who began a good work in me will carry it onto completion until Jesus returns (Philippians 1:6)

You know my heart, Lord.  You know that my desire is always do your will.  I want to always be desperate for you, and to forever rely on you.  (As Tammie, my good friend would say: “FROG” it or “Forever Rely On God”.) Please Lord, whether I am physically delivered from my cancer or not, I beg you to always guide me to embrace whatever your will is for my life with my whole heart.  To God be the glory always.  Amen.

COMMENTS WHEN BLOG WAS FIRST POSTED ON CARING BRIDGE SITE:

Buena Wheless: Thank you, Kim, for sharing your journey of ups and downs and in between. Grateful you can return to work - what a blessing. Glad your employer is working with you in giving you the opportunity to work reduced hours. May God's spirit continue to guide you as you grown stronger in His will. /Buena