GOD’S STRENGTH IN MY WEAKNESS

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Weakness is something that currently resonates with me as I am now dealing more often with what is known as cancer fatigue.

Since my cancer diagnosis, I have faced different phases of total body exhaustion.

During the first few months that I was diagnosed, I would be completely drained just walking down the hall. I was coughing frequently, and I would get very short of breath even with the slightest movement.

During my first set of radiation treatments in January 2023, God blessed me with Erica to care for all my needs as we stayed at the HOPE Lodge in Baltimore. Many times, I would get so exhausted as the day progressed. To pass our time there, we visited several museums in Baltimore and in Washington D.C. I usually had enough energy to walk a little way to our destinations, but Erica would often push me around the museums in a wheelchair. She poured so much heart into caring for me during that time.

Though my energy level began to increase a few months later, it was clear that working full-time was no longer an option for me. I was put into labor pool at my job and to provide me with some income, I began receiving my Social Security benefits due to my terminal condition. I quickly understood that I could work for five hours a day and for no more than three days a week. Trying to work more than that was just too exhausting. In general, I was successful in consistently working this schedule until I had to go to Baltimore for my second set of treatments.

It was in July 2024 that I returned to Balitmore for additional radiation therapy and some chemotherapy, which lasted six weeks. Though I did not have as many issues with exhaustion during that time, God blessed me with Naomi, Erica, and my sister Cindy to help care for all my needs. Once again, we were fortunate to stay at the HOPE Lodge.

Though I felt that my energy level had improved, there was a lot less of a demand for work in labor pool. Again, I had to pray through some attitudes about the fact that I could no longer work full-time.

The reduction in my work hours positioned my family and me to more easily address what happened next. At the beginning of 2025, my mom was admitted twice to the hospital with issues about her lung cancer. Because of the flexibility of my work schedule, I could stay with her to assist with her communication. In March, she was discharged from the hospital and placed into in home hospice care. I assisted my dad in caring for my mom that year. I could attend to her a few hours in the morning and then I could work in the afternoon for five hours if I was needed. Because I did not work often, the breaks needed to recover from being tired were beautifully coordinated so I could quickly recover. Praise God that I could serve my mom and dad in this way as well as occasionally get an opportunity to work a few hours outside of home.

However, after I returned from my 25-day trip to Uganda at the beginning of this year, I have noted an unusual increase in my fatigue. Sometimes the degree of exhaustion would be more pronounced or the crippling episodes would occur more frequently.

To begin with, I had such an issue with recovering from jet lag. The flight back was a total of 16 hours, and the first plane left from Uganda around 12 midnight Friday morning. For some strange reason, I could not sleep at all on either of the return flights nor during the 8 hour delay at the airport. For those first two weeks, I could only sleep between 2-4 hours each night even though I was so very tired. I even tried to take naps during the day, but I could not even dose off for a few minutes. My mind was filled with so many racing, random thoughts. At that time, I blamed the severe jet lag for the increase in my total body exhaustion.

Since then, I still cannot seem to predict nor quickly recover from these bouts of tiredness, and honestly overall I am getting a bit more anxious and afraid. I realize that it has been three years now since I have been dealing with my terminal lung cancer diagnosis. Though, all the scans and tests done in February this year showed that all things were stable, my cancer fatigue seems to be more on the rise.

I am aware that we are all in the middle of a spiritual war for our souls. Unfortunately, I am often clueless of that constant spiritual battle occuring in my heart, which so easily wraps me up in discouragement about my limitations. I quickly “fall” into the trap of thinking that I have done something wrong and that God is punishing me. I say “fall” because this is another one of satan’s tactics to distort my image of God. My need for performing to please, my fear of failure, and my great desire for all things to come out perfectly good in my mind become my primary motivators to what I value in life. I end up wrapping my identity and self worth solely in these attitudes. Though these can be good motivators, soley focusing on them and not on God and his love easily leads to the warped view of my relationship with God.

Because of this, I have been meditating on and begging God to write this scripture deep into my heart.

1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I can acknowledge in my head that God loves me enough to allow whatever hardships that I go through to discipline and train me (Hebrews 12:4-11) and basically refine my faith (1 Peter 1:6-7). I also know that he will always be there to help me so that I do not need to be afraid (Hebrews 13:5-6). I just need to continue begging him to do as he promised in Jeremiah 31:33 concerning his now new covenant, established with Jesus’ sacrifice. God promised that he will write his law in the minds and on the hearts of his people so that he will be our God and we would be his people.

Please pray with me that as I go through these difficult phases of cancer fatigue, I would repeatedly see God’s perfect love for me so that it drives out my fear of punishment. And as always, to God be the glory. Amen.