BUT GOD?

Deuteronomy 32:4, 7a

⁴ The Rock, his work is perfect,    

and all his ways are just.

A faithful God, without deceit,    

just and upright is he;

⁷ Remember the days of old;    

consider the years long past;

It has been a long time since I have written my last blog. I am not a writer. I also am not one who is in touch with her feelings; thus, I cannot express them well. Therefore, I have written this blog for those of us who may struggle with life in similar ways so that we may know that we are never alone as we are fighting these spiritual battles on this side of heaven.

I have been trying to write a blog titled BUT GOD for several weeks now. A little while ago, as I was trying so hard to finish that blog, I suddenly became so overwhelmed. I got up and started pacing and putting my hands through my short hair in frustration. My tears began streaming and as usual, I hated that I was so overwrought with emotions. I did not know what to do other than repeatedly say to God, “I don’t know.” I was clueless because these were just a bunch of subconsciously random thoughts that were rapidly firing in my brain. I was also being flooded with all kinds of emotions as I was reacting to what was going on. All I could identify was that I felt under pressure and that I just wanted to run away from it all. I knew that there was no physical way of escaping those thoughts and feelings since they would just follow me wherever I decided to go.

I recalled that whenever I wanted to run away in the past, I would jump in my car or on my bike, cry and pray without really any plan as to where I was going. Sometimes I would end up on a walking trail and try to burn my emotions out of my heart and my head as I cried about the pain and heartache that I felt at that moment.

Looking back on those incidents now, I can remember feeling so much anger and bitterness toward certain people, God, and myself because things were not going the way that I desired. My guilt and regret also tormented me for feeling those feelings. With this current episode, all I knew is that I was totally powerless and frustrated with not knowing.

I told myself that perhaps I could do a little cleaning to help distract me for a while since I was so overwhelmed, but I debated about that action because I really wanted to do my best in naming these emotions and in processing them with God.

Though I greatly desired to deal with my emotions at that time, I realized that I was quickly getting nowhere with the growing, uncontrollable ball of negative reactions, Suddenly, I was triggered with the memory of my mental breakdown in 2019-2020. I remembered during my emotional collapse, I had become paralyzed because my non-stop feelings and thoughts were assaulting my soft, tender heart. I recalled my constant pacing and this strong desire to hit my head with my fists in attempt to remove those crazy thoughts. I had just wanted to go, leave, run away. I had not known what to do. I had just paced and prayed and kept saying to God, “I don’t know. Help me LORD. I don’t know. I don’t know what I am thinking or feeling. I just know that they are both not good and I am scared. I just want to go.” The spiritual battle in my mind and heart was constant every waking moment and for every day for about a year. It was a scary time, BUT GOD had pulled me through it.

With this current attack, I reassured myself that this time was very different. Yes, these thoughts and feelings could be frightening because of my lack of knowledge, but I remembered that it was no longer important for me to know everything. It was more crucial for me to be secure in knowing that God is always in control and that he will always help me grow in my trust in him. I believed that just as he had helped me before, he would help me once again, and it would be on his time. I only needed to beg him for my trust in him to increase and for me to just reverently surrender to him.

I then told myself that I will go ahead and do a little cleaning as a distraction and come back to whatever this was later. I knew that if I did not walk away from this then, I would be tempted to try and rationalize my way out and perhaps become even more frustrated. Again, I reminded myself, “You don’t have to know everything. Just clean and continue crying out to God about it. He knows all things and is in control of it all. He will let you know if you need to know what is going on in your heart and mind. He will always be there for you just as he says in his word: ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

So that is what I did. I cried and cleaned until I completed a task. I had been wanting to clean this one area for many months now, and it felt good once I did it. Yes, emotions are so fleeting.

I have still not really identified what those thoughts and those emotions were when that had happened, but as a result, I am putting out this blog now and perhaps saving the other one for another time if the Holy Spirit prompts me to work more on it.

As I am writing this, I uncovered a few lessons that this experience has taught me.

Whenever I get overwhelmed, I get sad and perhaps angry at myself because I am so clueless about what it is that is going on. I know that when I feel paralyzed and frustrated about everything, this big ball of growing negativity typically pops up since I am continually battling to not put more value of my self-worth through my performance than in being a child of God.

I also note that I am prone to value my ability to understanding and analyze things more than my learning of God and his works involved in establishing and maintain our relationships with him. A simpler way of saying that is I rely more on what I think and feel rather than on God. Yes, it is all about that famous battle to humble myself before my LORD.

My mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts, subconscious and conscious ones, all the time, and in many instances, they trigger a variety of feelings. The thoughts and feelings are fleeting, being replaced constantly by new ones. Yes, all that happens is temporary as God encourages us to endure our momentary times of affliction:

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NRSVue)

¹⁷ For our slight, momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, ¹⁸ because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen, for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.

As I was examining my overly negative focus on things, I discovered that various researchers are saying that our brains are hard-wired to focus on the negative over the positive. (Wow, so it just not me who seems to struggle all the time with negative thoughts.) This way of thinking is related to our instincts to survive in avoiding physical dangers. In the modern world, this innate cognitive mechanism leads to us fixating more on failures and anxieties than on solutions and victories. (Google AI: do we all have innate negativity bias)

Thus, for me because of my history of avoidance and hatred of my negativity, this is so challenging for me as I realize that the human innate default is to see and experience everything with this negative bias. With me deciding to allow myself to experience all my emotions, I find myself freaking out lately. Since most of these emotions are not ones that I am happy with, I am thinking, “What? And I must sit with them. Ugh!” To me, it is like sitting on the floor of the bathroom in my own excrement and vomit because I am just too exhausted to reach the toilet before things started to come out from both ends. I hate it that much.

But despite my hatred of them, it does not change what my emotions are. They are still just signals indicating that something is “wrong” according to how I view things and that a decision is needed to correct this issue. They are valid, and they have a purpose. This world and I will never be perfect thus I will always have these emotions that make me cringe. BUT GOD is always there to help me as I sit with my feelings so that I can identify and process them. And thanks be to God, I can eventually just give them over to him.

So, in the meantime, I look to the Psalms since so many of them are filled with lamenting. As David so often did, I can cry out to God about what I am feeling. Then eventually, I can get to the point where once again I trust that God is always there, accepting my prayer and delivering me from satan’s clutches.

Psalm 6 (NRSVue)

¹ O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger    

or discipline me in your wrath.

² Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;    

O Lord, heal me, for my bones are shaking with terror.

³ My soul also is struck with terror,    

while you, O Lord—how long?

⁴ Turn, O Lord, save my life;    

deliver me for the sake of your steadfast love.

⁵ For in death there is no remembrance of you;    

in Sheol who can give you praise?

⁶ I am weary with my moaning;    

every night I flood my bed with tears;    

I drench my couch with my weeping.

⁷ My eyes waste away because of grief;    

they grow weak because of all my foes.

⁸ Depart from me, all you workers of evil,    

for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.

⁹ The Lord has heard my supplication;    

the Lord accepts my prayer.

¹⁰ All my enemies shall be ashamed and struck with terror;    

they shall turn back and in a moment be put to shame.

Although most of us are not facing persecutions for our faith, satan is undoubtedly always out there trying to devour us with doubt and discouragement. Because of satan’s schemes, as Paul asked for prayers from his fellow believers, I also look to you for your prayers.

2 Corinthians 1:10-11 (NRSCue)

¹⁰ He who rescued us from so deadly a peril will continue to rescue us; on him we have set our hope that he will rescue us again, ¹¹ as you also join in helping us by your prayers, so that many may give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

May we continue to always pray for one another. And as always to God be the glory. AMEN.