GOD’S PERFECT PLAN, PART I

Lately, there have been many things going on in my life that have been continuously challenging me to apply one of my favorite scriptures:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

One of my biggest struggles in my relationship with God is my reliance on what I think or understand should be happening with my life.  It tends to be such a big struggle that when a major change, such as being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and its effects on my body, can become a “thorn in my flesh”.  Though I might not necessarily cry out to God, “why am I cursed with this disease”, in my heart and mind, I am constantly battling those thoughts of “how can I give glory to your name Lord when I cannot even DO xyz”.

To understand a little of why my self-reliance has been such an issue with me, please allow me to indulge in sharing some significant life-changing aspects of my conversion story.

I grew up knowing that there was a God and was taught the basic belief that you must behave morally and always do “good” so that God would be please with you, and then you would make it into heaven.  

Because I did not have a relationship with God at that time, I basically believed that in life, there is always a cause and effect.  For instance, if I work hard, then I get paid or rewarded and also, I must do all that I can do to follow the law, so I won’t be arrested and miss out on getting that reward.

Ultimately in my mind it meant that if I always do “good” then I will be saved and get to heaven.  Though I was not sure exactly what I would be saved from, the idea of never dying and going to heaven was very appealing to me.  Heaven was depicted as a very wonderful and peaceful place.  I remember hearing that there were no tears in heaven.  

Before 1988, I did not know even who Jesus Christ was.  I had no clue as to what role he played in this whole Christianity thing.  I just thought it all meant that when you did these good, “Christian” things, you made it to heaven.  I had no understanding of what the message of the cross meant because it was only after I started to study the Bible that I discovered that Jesus actually had DIED on the cross.  (Yes, I did not know that crosses were used for executing criminals.)  All I knew was the name Jesus Christ and so for the longest, I had formulated in my mind that doing “good” meant doing “the Christian thing” and that doing these things made me “good” enough to get me to heaven—the ultimate reward.

1 Corinthians 1:18 (NIV)

18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

Despite my lack of Bible knowledge and of my self-reliance, God had used Beth Weast to introduce me to Jesus.  I still remember calling up Beth to brag to her about the amazing “Christian” things that I was doing in the clean-up efforts after the 1988 F4 tornado that hit Raleigh, NC, in the wee hours of the morning on Monday, November 28th.   

Though this tornado had resulted in 4 deaths with over $77 million worth of damage and had a destruction path measuring 84 miles long and up to ½ a mile wide (per Wikipedia), I only remember two things concerning the physical impact of that event.  One was that the tornado had totally removed the K-Mart store on Glenwood Avenue.  (I had heard of a report that one of the store’s steel beams had pierced the wall of a neighboring house and ended up in their living room.  That was eerie.)  The other memory was seeing a path that the tornado had taken through a field of trees.  I remember thinking that it looked like God had “mowed the lawn”.  I could see where the tornado had whooshed through that field with a path of some flattened evergreen trees and yet there were a few trees standing somewhat erect on either side of that path.  This all happened starting around 1 a.m. that morning, and I don’t remember there being any type of tornado warning before going to bed that night.

Beth had simply asked me why I helped with the clean-up efforts.  My response was because it was the “Christian” thing to do, but then she asked me how I knew that was what a Christian would do.  I fumbled over some words because I could not answer that question. 

In the end because of this question, when she asked if I wanted to study the Bible and learn what should motivate me to do these “Christian” things, I said “Of course”.  So, I started going to group Bible Study and then started doing my own personal Bible Study with Beth and a couple other ladies from her church.

Anyone who knows me learns quickly that I tend to talk a lot and that I can be very opinionated.  (I guess that comes a lot with that self-reliance, prideful part within me.). Over the years, I have discovered that I have a deadly set of character traits within me that desires so much to be perfect and right all the time and that I want to convince everyone that I am right.  These attitudes separate me from God and from people.

This pride or boasting of the self was typically what motivated me to do what I had done in the past.  I wanted to prove to everyone that I knew things, that I was significant, that I always right all the time (or at least most of the time).  I even had formulated in my mind justifications of the things that I knew in the bottom of my heart were wrong, like lying or having pre-marital sex.  In fact, some of those justifications were so deeply embedded in me, that I would be so self-righteous when others would not do what I thought was right.  I prided in myself that I never drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, nor taken any illegal drugs and that I basically was a “good” girl, and I looked down my nose at others who did not do what I believed was right.  The worst of it was that I really had no clue that I was so stuck up.

However, I also noted that whenever I was faced with the truth of my failures and not being right all the time, instead of humbling myself out, I tended to get overwhelmed and devastated, producing a sense of false humility in thinking the worst of myself.  This attitude basically tends to get from bad to worse where I hold a huge pity party (oh poor pitiful me, I cannot do xyz, etc.) and the worthless, hopeless thoughts flood my mind thus getting me to a point of deep depression and thoughts of suicide.  Again, I really had no clue that I put all my worth, my identity into what I thought I was supposed to “do” to be as a “good” person. 

I would compare myself to others and ask God “why am I not as good at doing this or that like so and so is.”  As a matter of fact, I saw something very different in Beth, which had made me want to spend more time with her.  I looked up to her and wanted to imitate her as she imitated Jesus.  In my mind, she was basically unreachable and not really on my level of social status.  (She is the beautiful, confident, outgoing, popular cheerleader-type of woman whereas I am the plain-looking, insecure, introverted, and socially awkward person.)  But she had genuine interest in my life and oh yes, in my opinions.  She would ask me those challenging questions that made me really think.  This was the beginning of opening my eyes to who I really am before God, and it started me on my journey in having a relationship with him and his people.  

I was “baptized” soon after the 1989 tornado that had destroyed a few businesses in southern Durham.  It took off the roof of a convenience store just down the road from where I lived.  Basically, I was dunked in the water at that time because I was afraid that I would die before I would be saved.  I still remember worrying that God would strike me down before I came up out of the water because I might not be “good” enough.

Needless to say, studying God’s word had initially just made me feel more guilt and shame, and I just became so much more prideful, judgmental and self-righteous.  You could tell by my fruits at that time, that I did not make Jesus my Lord and that I did not have Holy Spirit within me.  

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

The issue once again was what motivated me to do what the Bible says to do.  Though, “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Psalm 111:10), it is just the beginning.  That fear alone does not have the power to help any of us to follow Jesus—to obey God’s commands.  The desire to be saved does not get us saved nor does the works that we do.  

So, I fasted, prayed, studied the Bible more, and I even asked God to show me a sign for clarity if I needed to be baptized again.  Gee looking back on it, even as God was providing me with the sign, I still had so many doubts because I was looking only to my own understanding and rationalizations.  

Fortunately, because of his glorious grace, God provided me with a deeper belief and understanding of how much he loves me.  Wow, his one and only son took on all my sin, including my self-reliance and pride.  He became my sacrificial lamb to atone for all my wrongdoing—past, present, AND future.  This great love God has shown me is now the best motivator of my life.  I want to do all that I can to please God because he loves me so much.

2 Corinthians 5:14 (NIV)

14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 

God did not stop there in giving me his son as my atoning sacrifice.  Through baptism, I can participate in Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection so that I received not only the forgiveness of my sin but also the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide me and teach me Jesus’ ways.

 Acts 2:38-29 (NIV)

38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.”

John 14:26 (NIV)

26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

I got all that I need to do what God has created me to do.  So though I still struggle with my pride often being my motivator, by God’s grace, I have already been forgiven of this.  He has equipped me with the Holy Spirit, who reminds and teaches me God’s thoughts and ways so that as I repent of my prideful self-reliance, I can be “holy as God is holy”. 

1 Peter 1:15-16 (NIV)

15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

Because of him, I am who I am—holy and pleasing in his sight—and I am his.  To God be the glory.  Amen.