DEEPER STILL

Over the past few months, a lot has been going on with me physically and emotionally.  As you may recall in one of my previous entries, I have decided to accept my feelings for what they are by acknowledging, experiencing, and then talking with God about them so that I can surrender my whole being to him, becoming more spiritually mature.  I have made this decision regardless of how much pain there may be in processing those negative emotions, which I have avoided for so long.  Even though both God and I want me to be more in touch with my feelings so we may have a deeper relationship, processing these emotions to me is such a dreadfully frightening task that I must cling tightly onto the scriptures which say that it is God who is at work within me and that he is the one who provides everything for me:

Philippians 2:12-13 (NIV)

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

Philippians 4:12-13 (NIV)

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

As I have been going through these various trials, I appreciate more of how God is showing me my need to rely more on him and not on myself.  Of course, unlike Paul and his companions, I have not had to experience the kinds of the persecutions that they went through for the Gospel of Jesus as he shared in one of his letters to the Corinthian church.

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (NIV)

8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 

So, these are the challenges that I have faced or am currently facing since I had made that life-changing decision about my emotions in September:  

1. Because my cancer medication, Tagrisso, could have been contributing to the progression of my heart failure, at the end of August, my oncologist at Johns Hopkins had recommended reducing this medication to 40 mg after additional tests were done.  So, an echocardiogram (ECHO), to further evaluate the progression of my heart failure, and a brain magnetic resonance imaging test (MRI), to check for progression of lung cancer migrating to the brain, were both scheduled for October.  I struggled off and on with my surrender to God’s plan for my cancer treatment since according to different studies, 40 mg of Tagrisso is not the ideal dose in controlling my lung cancer growth.

   1. As I mentioned in a previous post, my ECHO on October 5th, indicated that my heart was continuing to fail.  Even as this procedure was being performed, my resting heart rate registered around 110 beats per minutes, which is one of the symptoms of heart failure.  I cried to out God most of the night prior to the test and had to say many prayers during the test so that I could focus on talking with the Technician about Jesus and not focus on the fact that my heart was failing.

   2. Brain MRI done on October 19th showed no sign of cancer.

   3. With the results of these tests, the Tagrisso was reduce to 40 mg.  My local oncologist shared that the Tagrisso, which is the 3rd generation of its class of medications for controlling this particular lung cancer mutation, is still the most effective option at keeping the cancer from spreading to the brain comparatively to the medications of 1st and 2nd generation.

2. Last year an ultrasound (US) showed two nodules on my thyroid, so the doctor recommended annual US to monitor the growth of these nodules. On September 21st, the US revealed a change in the shape of one of the nodules, so I had a thyroid biopsy on October 27th, which showed no sign of cancer.  So, for more than a month, I continuously cried out to God about my anxiety of the possibility of another cancer in my body and was finally at peace with God the night before the biopsy.

3. On September 26th, an US thoracentesis was completed to remove some fluid around my left lung in hopes that my chronic chest pain would decrease.  Though there was no change in level of chest pain, tests of the fluid showed no sign of cancer.  Again, after I had solicited for many prayers from my friends and cried out to God the morning of the procedure, I was finally able to let go of my anxiety and surrender to God’s will.

4. On October 2nd, my urologist recommended a cystoscopy since I had blood in my urine and was experiencing persistent symptoms, that are often associated with urinary tract infections (UTI), but urine tests indicated no bacterial growth.  On November 20th, a cystoscopy showed a healthy bladder.  Again, I had to continuously cry out to God about my anxiety of the possibility of bladder cancer since my dad had similar symptoms when he was diagnosed with his cancer in 2019.  Fortunately, thanks be to God, it took less time for my anxiety to be resolved about this issue.  I am following up with a physical therapist for pelvic floor exercises to help with my ongoing bladder issues.

5. My annual mammogram showed no sign of cancer.

6. On October 26th, I began taking Metoprolol to help with my erratic heart rate and my heart failure.  Two weeks later, the Metoprolol was discontinued after I had a severe episode of lightheadedness and vertigo while sitting. 

   1. When the Metoprolol was discontinued, my Apple Watch had detected heart rates above the maximum recommended value for almost a whole hour as I was doing some yardwork, and it continues to do so on different occasions even during light physical activity.  (Sometimes having tools to keep track of certain symptoms can contribute to those feelings of anxiety.  As the saying goes, “Ignorance is bliss.”  My heart rates more than likely have been erratic for this whole time, but now I am much more aware of it.)

   2. Though my cardiologist is not concerned about these elevations in my heart rate since I am not experiencing any additional physical symptoms during these times, I wore a heart monitor for 48 hours to further evaluate my heart condition.  I am still waiting on his interpretation.

   3. As a further precaution for my heart function, I am scheduled for an angiogram procedure on December 4th to look at my blood vessels of my heart and put in stents if they are needed.

   4. I am scheduled for a pacemaker/defibrillator implant surgery on December 29th to correct my erratic heart rates.

   5. At first, I was very anxious once again about my heart.  I guess because I often associate heart problems with heart attacks, which are quick killers.  Currently, I am taking this all just one day at a time: crying out to God during the times of anxiety and being so grateful for him working through my doctors.

7. I am also scheduled for a bone density test on December 9th since I have a family history of osteoporosis, I am post-menopausal, and I have had radiation treatment for my cancer.  

8. Results of a PAP smear taken on November 16th was abnormal indicating presence of HPV and atypical cells, so I am following up with Gynecology on December 27th for further evaluation.  Currently, I am not anxious about this, but I am still praying to God so that I will continue to give all my health issues over to him.

Gee did I miss anything?  Well, I still am getting CT scans often to check for growth in my lung cancer, but it has been changed from every two months to every three months now. 

My latest CT scan, performed on November 28th, showed no sign of cancer growth after being on the 40 mg of Tagrisso for a month. Praise God that the Holy Spirit has continued to help me to be less anxious and more at peace with his will for my lung cancer.

So, with all that was going on, this was how my state of mind has been these past few months:

Since the beginning of September, whenever something new would come up, for several days I would wrestle with God saying, “Wasn’t it enough for me to have terminal lung cancer?  Why are all these other potentially life-threatening issues happening to me as well?  Lord I am trying hard to work through all that I am feeling about the fact that I have terminal lung cancer.  I am doing what I can to work through my emotions when I experience these different symptoms and various side effects of my cancer medication, including this heart failure.  Father God, you want me to do what?  Please Lord not another thing!  This is too much.  I can’t handle it.”  

It seemed like every time I tried to finish processing how I felt and what I understood about one health issue, another problem would surface, and I had to get another procedure done.  The tests often would be 1-2 months later, giving me all that time to basically worry about it.  It seemed unending with issue upon issue popping up and because of my distorted thinking where I think that the worst is always going to happen, I began building a gigantic wall of worry.  “I might have thyroid cancer, bladder cancer, or the lung cancer has spread to my brain.  My heart is failing me. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.” 

Then I would use God’s word, thinking that I will appease these fears.  I would think things like, “Well yah, you’re going to die.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  That is what God’s word says in James 4.  Anyway, God is in control of all this.  Like 1 Corinthians 10 says, God is faithful and will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  I’ll be okay.  God will help me to handle it.”  

As a result, there was a battle going on in my mind where I was going back and forth with these two modes of thought.  However, despite all the Bible reading and scripture quoting to myself, I still could not resolve my feelings and attitudes of all that was happening in my life.

On top of this battle, I had also used God’s word to start shaming myself for not trusting God since I was worried all the time, basically still identifying my feelings of concern as a sin.  Then I would get angry at myself and began to call myself worthless, thinking that I could not do anything right.  Before I knew it, I had spiraled downward in my thinking, feeling depressed.  Eventually, I stopped being motivated to do anything because I just thought that things were not worth doing any more.  Then I became cynical and began having an attitude where I just did not care about anything anymore—the “Oh well, whatever happens happens” mindset.

As I shared in my previous entry, in the early part of September I came to finally realize that as I was using God’s word in the wrong way.  While I believe that all that God says in the Bible is very true, these rationalizations that I was having had just suppressed my emotions, which did not help me at all.  I was using scriptures to cover up my emotions behind the problems and to try to “make” myself feel joyful.  I finally admitted that I was not talking with God about these negative emotions because of my belief in satan’s biggest deception of all.  I had thought these emotions were bad and that somehow, God would not be pleased with me for having them.  Once I better understood this deception, I made the decision then to do my best to always be totally honest with God, talking with him about all that I think and feel.

Unfortunately, choosing not to share with God about what all is going on in my mind and heart is a big temptation that I face daily since I have been trained for almost all my life to think that these negative emotions are bad.  Every moment, I must make a conscious and intentional decision to talk with God about what I really think and feel.  I must ask the Holy Spirit to help me let it all out and give up my strong desire to be in control so that God can move in my heart to give me his peace and his joy.

As I have been asking the Holy Spirit to deepen my convictions about this great need, I recall the scriptures about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:39-46, Mark14:32-42 and Matthew 26:36-46), Paul experiencing such severe persecutions (2 Corinthians 11:22-33), and David being on the run from Saul for so many years before he became King of Israel (1 Samuel 19 to 2 Samuel 1).  Each of them cried out to God, the only one who could save them.  I am now asking God to help me be more and more like them as they had persisted in talking with him about how they felt all the time.

Psalm 34:17-19 (NIV)

A Psalm of David when he fled from Saul, pretending to be insane in front of King of the Philistines.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,

    but the Lord delivers him from them all;

As the Psalm 34 says, Jesus, Paul, and David all cried out to God. They acknowledged what they thought and felt as they were being afflicted. Each of them continuously went to God in a humble yet bold way without holding back or worrying about how they sounded before God. They understood God’s great love, mercy, and power. They had complete confidence that God would hear them and deliver them, and as a result, God saved them each time.

But wait, Jesus still died on a cross, so you may ask, “How is that deliverance?” Or how can Paul say, “rejoice in the Lord always” as he wrote in his letter to the Philippian church while he was imprisoned, waiting on his execution in Rome?  Sometimes we think that deliverance is the absence of pain or the removal of opposition (this is what I keep wrestling with all the time), but God’s deliverance is all about METANOIA—the transformative changing of our thoughts and perception—that first step in giving us a godly change in our hearts.  God’s focus is on restoring mankind’s relationship with him one soul at a time.  It is not about making us happy with our lives here on earth.  God often uses conflicts and afflictions to help us with receiving METANOIA so that we can be ready to do his will and not our own.

2 Peter 3:9 (NIV)

9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

(METANOIA is the Greek word that has been translated into the English word “repentance”.)

Psalm 119:71 (NIV)

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.

Just as he delivered Jesus, God plans to deliver each of us with changing our hearts and minds so that we can also be totally aligned with God’s will for us.  Because Jesus persistently cried out to God in prayer, he willingly went to the cross and became the sacrificial lamb for all our sin.  I am honored that because of Jesus saving me in this way, I too can now cry out to God, understanding his great love, mercy, and power with having that complete confidence in God hearing and delivering me as well.

So though troubles are guaranteed to come, as Paul says to do in Philippians 4, I can “rejoice in the Lord always”.  I can trust, as I cry out to God expressing my troubling emotions and my crazy thoughts, that the Holy Spirit is helping me with METANOIA.  I trust that he is working in me to rejoice IN THE LORD rather than in the circumstances as I pray and petition my requests before God always with an attitude of gratitude.  I know that he will give me the patience as I wait for his special peace, being able to have this everlasting joy IN THE LORD regardless of all my issues.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know that more troubles and hardships are just around the corner, and I know that I am never able to do this alone. I desperately need your prayers so that I may continue to cry out to God since he is the only one who can deliver me.

James 5:16 (NIV)

 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

With the help of your prayers, I can glorify the Lord together with you and David since I can see, because of these afflictions, that God helps me to hear all who are praising him, and I can rejoice IN THE LORD along with all of you who have been called to follow Jesus.

Psalm 34:1-3 (NIV)

1 I will extol the Lord at all times;

    his praise will always be on my lips.

2 I will glory in the Lord;

    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the Lord with me;

    let us exalt his name together. 

To God be the glory.  Amen.

I AM FREE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNrILwUtdWk

COMMENTS WHEN BLOG WAS FIRST POSTED ON CARING BRIDGE SITE:

Bruce Flowers: Thanks Kim for sharing

Cindy Fisher: Always keeping you in our prayers! Great news about the bladder and brain results, and so glad your thyroid test came back benign too. I wish you strength and endurance in the face of all these medical challenges. Please don't hesitate to ask if there's anything you need from me. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Lynn Overturf: Kim, I am grateful for the way you verbalize the struggles of trust, acceptance, fear, anxiety and the like. I thought of Terri Nida as I read your words then immediately saw that she commented! I love the way you both share the real feelings and then dig deep into God’s Word for help and comfort. I know those days of “what if…” and also fight the battle of honestly facing whatever comes. I’ll continue to pray for great results and for your peace of mind and heart. Your words are a help to many of us. I love and appreciate you. ❤️

Terri Nida: Hi Kim. This is so powerful. I hope this doesn't come across wrong, but you and I have the unique opportunity to know God on a much deeper level. We have more time to dig deeper in the word and our afflictions and pain push us harder to find answers. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and the verses that give you hope and make your world makes sense. It helps my world to make sense. I love you.

Lizabeth Weast: Thanks Kim for your summary. Praying for great news on the next heart test and the pacemaker insertion. Also, praying for your UTI symptoms and all the anxiousness that all these things naturally cause. Love you.