THE CALL TO LET GO AND LET GOD

Matthew 6:34 (HCSB)

Therefore, don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Ecclesiastes 1:18 (AMP):

For in much [human] wisdom there is much displeasure and exasperation; increasing knowledge increases sorrow.

Growing up, my family instilled a lot of value in knowledge. My parents expected that if we, the kids, studied hard enough, then we should get straight A’s. Of course, though they wanted and expect that of all their children, the only one of us that could live up to their standards was my older sister, Cindy. Yes, my sister Cindy. She is the one who had gotten her doctorate in Organic Chemistry, which was the one class in college that I almost failed.

I had heard (though I do not know how true this fact is since I was not around) that Cindy had read her first book at age 3. I remember that I was six years old the first time that I had stumbled through reading a “whole” book to my first-grade class. In fact, I bumbled through it so much that the teacher told me to try again the next day, but to read a “Sally, Dick and Jane” book. (Only God knows but maybe that incident contributed to my weird aversion to those series of books.)

In addition to my parents’ emphasis on the importance of intelligence, I have always craved knowledge so the saying “Ignorance is bliss” had made absolutely no sense to me. Most times, I have been so eager to try to comprehend all things to the point that I often would get very discouraged, and I have asked that age-old question countless times: “Why can’t I understand xyz? Why is it so hard for me to figure this out when others seem to get it so quickly?” I would spend a bit of time feeling sorry for myself as I questioned God in his sovereignty, but then I just would pull myself up by my bootstraps and try harder. Eventually, I would say something like, “Well I guess I am not meant to be a ‘rocket scientist’ or an “organic chemist’, etc.” So though I would at first grumble and complained that I did not understand xyz, I would eventually just get to the point that I would accept that there were some things that were not meant for me to know.

When I was introduced to King Solomon, I thought, “Wow how great it must have been to be him.” When I first started reading his books and learned about his life, I was a little puzzled. I could not understand why King Solomon would say that having such wisdom created such heartache. Okay it was rather weird about ordering to cut the baby in half when two women argued over the child, but it was admittingly effective (1 Kings 3:16-28). I still thought, “Surely, how great it would be to be so wise as he!”

Many times, I would find myself fighting with God, telling him that I want to know things. Of course, as mentioned in my previous post "What’s Wrong with This Picture?", I had often thought that God was holding out on me with those taunts of the playground bully: “I know something you don’t know. Hahahahaha.”

This latest fight was a couple of weeks after my last CT scan which indicated that my tumor was growing again. A week prior, I knew I was depressed about the results, and I was regularly talking with God about what I was feeling. But then the following week, I just found myself numb. I had rationalized that I should always know my emotions and thoughts since I made a commitment in October of 2023 to always talk to God about how I felt, especially if it was negative. So I found myself demanding from God to let me know what I felt and what exactly I was thinking. Imagine the pot saying to the Potter, “I demand that you make me into a beautifully shiny diamond ring!” To this day, I still don’t know what was going on in my mind and heart at that time, but I am now okay with that since God has been helping me to accept that in comparison to him, I know nothing.

Though I got to the point of accepting God’s divine decisions over my life, King’s Solomon’s messages in Ecclesiastes continued to confuse me. He basically was saying throughout this book all that we do in life and everything that we possess, even wisdom, is basically totally meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Finally, he concluded that it was wearisome to know things. He said that the most important task in life is to fear God and keep his commandments because ultimately in the end, God will judge us all.

Ecclesiastes 12:12b-14 (ESV)

Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.

13 The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. 14 For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.

So perhaps having all this great wisdom and knowledge of things about my cancer can be contributing a lot to my anxiety. I know that this cancerous tumor in my left lung had returned, and it is growing bigger every day. I know that after much prayer and discussion, God had directed me to go up to Baltimore Maryland once again to get treatment, but this time the odds are so stacked up against me.

The tumor is resistant to Tagrisso, the targeted therapy medication, so it has been gradually growing. Biopsy results of the tumor shows that its cancer cells have mutated to a form, which no treatment has yet been developed to help with controlling its growth. So, the Johns Hopkins (JH) doctors have proposed to use their standard of care (SOC) model in hopes to totally eliminate that resistant tumor. SOC is for me to undergo 6 weeks of radiation treatment Monday through Friday along with two chemotherapy sessions, which uses two different chemo agents, three weeks apart.

I, however, have opted to use just one of the chemo agents in my treatment plan.  I understand fully that the limited studies on using these types of nonplatinum-based drugs as a monotherapy are about half as effective.

On top of all that, I have been trying to coordinate the whole process of getting my care in a state that I do not live in and that is some distance from my home. I am even uncertain as to how much my current insurance will cover these medical expenses since JH is not an in-network provider. I was also surprised with another medical cost when I saw my doctors at JH on July 1st. Because of my cardiac device that I received in December 2023, I will be getting weekly checks after my radiation session to ensure proper functioning of the unit. (Please note that currently I have a FreeFunder campaign to help raise money to cover those costs: http://ffnd.co/1mmrCk. 20% of the funds have already been raised thanks to 13 generous donors! Also, if 500 people go to the site and just click on sharing the site on Facebook and post it on their Facebook page, the company will donate $20 to the campaign. How cool is that!)      

I will need lodging in Baltimore and transportation since I will be receiving radiation treatment Monday through Friday for those six weeks. It is just not realistic and too risky to drive three hours each time for my 7:15 a.m. appointments.

Also because of the potential issues of extreme fatigue, I will need to have a caregiver during my stay. It is the middle of July with some people on vacation, and I have found that it is quite difficult to get just one person to commit to the whole six weeks. Though I am good at my job as a scheduler, with so many variables in asking so many different people, dealing with so many different schedules, and working through the requirements of the two lodging options, it has been enough to make my head spin.

With these various pieces of information and my experiences with getting treatment last year, it all has been such a challenge for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It has been very difficult to focus on my relationship with God and not to worry. I keep wondering why it is harder this time to stay surrendered. I reflect on my simple faith in the fall of 2022, and how I knew absolutely nothing about anything other than a Google search indicated that when someone is coughing up blood, it is a sign that one has stage 3 or 4 lung cancer. I was so amazed at how God had just helped me to continue to trust in him every step of the way. Even having Erica to be my caregiver at that time was totally God since I did not even think to ask her.

Last year my radiation cycle last for just 2 ½ weeks. As time progressed with receiving the treatments, at times, I would be too tired to walk around the various museums that Erica and I had visited. Erica often had to push me around in a wheelchair. She was more than willing to push me, but I know that it gave her a regular work out each time. I struggle a lot with having to ask others to help me.

I began to understand a little more the saying “Ignorance is bliss”. Because of my previous experiences, I began thinking that I know what will happen this time too. Since I do not like that extreme fatigue that I felt before, I am imagining that this time, it will be unbearable. I really hate being so dependent upon others and now the treatment will be for a full 6 weeks! Ugh! Lord, help my heart to surrender totally to your will and trust completely in you.

But then I recalled what I learned from Michael Lamb in my post: To Live Is Christ (https://www.faithfuljourneywithkim.com/post/to-live-is-christ) 1) I must not waste my suffering and 2) My needing to depend upon others is an opportunity for my community to practice Romans 12:15 where we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. This is a demonstration of how God’s glory can shine as we as a body of believers practice John 13:34-35 (NIV):

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

These past few weeks, I have been blown away by the love and care from so many people. Both my sister, Cindy, and Erica, who had served as my caregiver last year, were quick to respond that they would be my caregivers for the last 3 ½ weeks of my 6-week treatment cycle. Many individuals have expressed their willingness to serve and meet my needs for the first 2 ½ weeks. Several different people have inquired about my need for a caregiver, examining their schedules, and praying about being able to serve me in that way. Many have provided money to pay for things, and a sister in the Baltimore church even mentioned that someone whom I have not yet met in person was willing to put me up for an evening if my lodging did not work out for the first two days of treatment. I had so many different people serving me with calling around, sending out emails, and spreading the news about my physical needs and my need for prayers.

And then on Sunday, July 7th, one of the deacons of my church and his wife made the announcement that I was going to be gone the next 6 weeks to Baltimore, and they asked the whole church to gather right then to pray for me. Feeling all the love in the room, I could not stop crying!

On Monday, one of my best friends, Naomi Shepherd, called me to confirm that she could be my caregiver for the first 2 ½ weeks. This was vital because that piece of information was the requirement I needed to utilize the lodging service that JH provides for their patients. I now had all my caregivers set up and I had a place to stay starting July 11th, my first day of treatment.  You go GOD!

Thursday as Naomi was driving me up to Baltimore for my first appointment, I get a phone call from American Cancer Society’s (ACS) HOPE LODGE informing me that they now have a room available that afternoon for Naomi and me. Someone had checked out early and we now met the criteria as lodgers.

Of course, the Hope Lodge is so perfect because it is offered at no cost to the guests, and it provides such a great sense of community. Please refer to my blog God Provided Us With Beautiful Things: Hope Lodge At Baltimore for additional information about this most excellent service.

As always, I need not worry about anything, but just to continue to LET GO AND LET GOD. My Lord has provided for my every need each step of the way. I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses and so many are endlessly expressing their love and concern for my wellbeing. Naomi and I are now settled into The HOPE Lodge in Baltimore Maryland. This morning, I noticed an encouraging Post-It note on the mirror, which says: “Kim, I am grateful for your friendship :) Yes, I feel so very loved! Thank you, Lord Jesus.

To God be the glory.